Cooking With Emmett!
by SparklesareShineh
Summary: What happens when Emmett gets his own cooking show? And who will his special guest be?
1. Spongebob and Hannah Montana!

"Gah I'm sooooooooo bored." I was sitting on the couch flipping through the mindless t.v. shows. Edward was with Bella (what a shocker), Rose was with Alice shopping (even a bigger shocker), and Carlisle, Esme, and Jasper went hunting. Edward "forbade me to go near Bella after what happen the last time". Ehehe. Lets just say it was a very awkward grizzly bear. So I couldn't hang out with my favorite klutzy little sis, I really didn't feel like shopping, and I just ate last night. Ahh four grizzlies, a mountain lion (had to save some for my sexually repressed little bro!), and three deer. I was stuffed. Well, you know what I mean. I turned my thoughts away from my dinner, and started to watch what was on. Spongebob Squarepants! I loved this show even though I haven't seen it in years! Rose thought it was "too immature", but personally, this little sponge is a genius! And… Squidward sort of reminds me of Edward… Soon, the Spongebob episode was over so I flipped the channel. Ohh! A cooking show! Maybe I could learn to make Bella something…

I watched the marathon of cooking shows transfixed with how disgusting the food looked, and if Bella would try any of the food I'd make… I really wanted to be the one on the show cooking! And the best part is, I wouldn't have to eat it! That started to get my brain moving. Ouch I guess my brain isn't used to so much thinking… Maybe I should use it more often…. Nah! Then I'd end up like Edward!

A couple days later, it was pouring rain! Like cats and dogs… Ha food raining from the sky! Haha funny…

"EMMETT! I CANNOT STAND LISTENING TO THIS UTTER STUPIDITY! PLEASE, JUST PLEASE STOP!!" Edward cried from his bedroom.

"KEEP OUT OF MY MIND EDDIE!" I shouted back enjoying this entertainment.

"DO YOU UNDERSTAND HOW HARD IT IS TO LISTEN TO THE SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS THEME SONG FOR TWO DAYS IN A ROW? AND DON'T CALL ME EDDIE!" Hehe. Maybe I should take some pity on my bro… But first…

"I'VE GOT MY SIGHT SET ON YOU, AND I'M READY TO AIM! I HAVE A HEART THAT WILL, ALWAYS BE TAME! I KNEW YOU WERE SOMETHING SPECIAL, WHEN YOU SPOKE MY NAME! NOW I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE YOU AGAIN! THE LAST TIME WE HUNG OUT, I JUST KEPT LOOKING DOWN! I S-S-STUTTERED WHEN YOU ASKED ME WHAT I'M THINGKING 'BOUT! FELT LIKE A COULDN'T BREATHE! YOU ASKED WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME! MY SISTER ALICE SAID "OH HE'S JUST BEING VAMPIREY!" THE NEXT TIME WE HANG OUT, I WILL REDEEM MYSELF, HA MY HEARTS ALL READY DEAD. OH WHOA, NOW I, I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE YOU AGAIN!" I finished by taking the blond Hannah Montana wig off my head and flung it on my very surprised brother's bed. "THANK YOU EDWARD'S ROOM! NOW GO, GO, GO, HEAD OVER TO BELLA'S HOUSE YOU STAlKER!!" Then I ran out of the room and went straight in to Alice's. She was on her couch laughing so hard, I thought the whole house would fall from the shaking.

"E-e-mmett! Hahaha! Y-y-you were g-great! Hahahaha! Did- did you see hahahaha Edward's face? Hahah! Priceless!" She started cracking up all over again.

"Ha thanks Alice! I have to much time on my hands… and I need to do something! So I was wondering… would you like to….."


	2. The Explanation

It seems like I forgot the disclaimer last chapter

**It seems like I forgot the disclaimer last chapter! Sorry! Well anyway, you know I'm not Stephenie Meyer, but if I was… well I don't know what'd I'd do! Hehe Edward would be mine! Thank goodness Stephenie is a generous person and shares Edward with the rest of the world…**

Previously on Cooking With Emmett:

"_Ha thanks Alice! I have to much time on my hands… and I need to do something! So I was wondering… would you like to….."_

"Yes! Absolutely! Hehe this is going to be so much fun! Just make sure to block your mind from Edward and don't tell the rest of the family."

"Yes! Alice you are the best!" I grabbed her and pulled her into a hug.

"But first, Emmett, we have to go shopping."

"WHAT?" I said and dropped her.

"Oh gosh Emmett you can be so dull. We need to get ninja suits, duh!" I felt a smile creep on my face as I realized her point.

"WHOA! WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING? FIRST I FEEL EXTREME HAPPINESS, THEN EXCITEMENT, THEN TOTAL DEPRESSION, AND NOW I FEEL TOTAL IDIOTICY!!" Jasper said screaming as he ran into Alice's room. "AND EMMETT WHAT'S WITH THE STUPID SMILE ON YOUR FACE?"

"Uhh, uhh, uhh…" Came out of my mouth as I tried to think of an explanation.

"Emmett, I think we should just tell him."

"But Alice…." I started to whine.

"Jasper, can we trust you not to tell anyone our secret plans?" Asked Alice.

"Oh course Alice. I am your husband."

"Well Emmett? Can I tell Jasper? Please??" Alice begged, making puppy dog eyes I knew would eventually make me give in.

"Well…" I started, but Alice cut me off giving me an evil mischievous look.

"Oh Jazzy, baby. Remember that night on our 29th honeymoon? You were like… an irritable grizzly, just like Emmett's favorite food."

Oh no, now every time I go hunting I'll think of Alice and Jasper… Ugh! I looked over and saw Jasper smiling, playing along.

"Oh how could I forget Alice? We even were able to use our special vampire powers to-"

"OK JUST TELL HIM! PLEASE ALICE! JUST DO IT!" I screamed begging, not wanting them to go any further.

"Haha, thank you Emmett!" Alice said wrapping her small arms around me and giving me a hug.

"Ok, ok, just tell him." I said grumpily.

"So Jasper," Alice began, "Emmett and I have been awfully bored and we needed something to do. So while Emmett was watching t.v., " She paused probably editing out my full detail speech about the Spongebob episode I gave her, "He saw this cooking show. Then, after the Emmah Cullanah episode in Edward's room, he came to me and we formed a brilliant plan." She grinned.

"Uhh sooo, who is Emmah Cullanah?" Jasper asked confused by the whole speech Alice gave him.

"I'll tell you later Jazzy." She gave him a wink.

"Anyway, our brilliant plan is," She paused letting the excitement grow.

"Jeez Alice! Just tell the plan! Emmett is like bursting from excitement!"

"Ok, ok, party pooper." I snickered. Pooper….

"Emmett and I are going to make a cooking show!"

Jasper's mouth dropped open.

"What?! Are you guys crazy? You don't even know how to cook!"

"Ahh my brother. That's part of the beauty of it." I sighed happily.

"So… you are going to have a cooking show." I nodded. "On live t.v.?" I nodded again. "Only a few problems Emmett."

"Oh no! What?" I asked worried.

"YOU DON'T HAVE A CHANNEL TO GO ON, YOU DON'T HAVE A T.V. CREW, AND YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO COOK!"

I laughed. "Oh Jasper. You silly little boy. Look at me. What am I?"

"Emmett." He answered.

"No Jasper! Really, what am I?"

"A stupid, pig-headed freak with big muscles, who works out too much, and is a sex fueled monster!"

"Well… yeah, but you were supposed to say a vampire." I said a bit confused.

"Oh." He said looking a bit ashamed.

"Ok you two. Now that you have both embarrassed yourself, I think I'll translate what Emmett means. Because we are VAMPIRES, we can do pretty much anything. Sooo really, we could just walk right in the place and as Bella likes to say "dazzle" the people, but we want to be different. Hehe. We are going to be vampire ninja's! So come on Jazzy, lets go buy our ninja outfits! We are going to sneak in the place at night and broadcast Emmett's cooking show to the whole world!"

**Ha that was a pretty weird chapter. I promise they'll get better. I just figured I needed to explain everything… in Emmett's POV, so it took longer then a normal explanation would. Review please!!**

**SparklesareShineh **


	3. Chives and Ninja's

Ha I remembered the disclaimer

**Ha I remembered the disclaimer! I am not Stephenie Meyer, or Edward's girlfriend. I do not own Twilight or Edward… or Chuck Bass… Or Emmett… Or Jasper… Ha well you get the jist of it…**

Previously on Cooking With Emmett:

"_So come on Jazzy, lets go buy our ninja outfits! We are going to sneak in the place at night and broadcast Emmett's cooking show to the whole world!"_

Alice turned on the radio as we were driving to the mall.

"Alice, please don't touch my Jeep!" I begged as she turned on the radio.

"Oh! I love this song!" She squealed ignoring my request.

"I'm a Barbie girl. In a Barbie world…" I tried to ignore the aching in my throat from me holding back my singing. I REALLY secretly liked this song. All of a sudden Alice stopped singing and started cracking up.

"Oh-oh come on Emmett! I saw you haha in my vision! Just haha belt it out!" Jasper looked at her quizzically and she gave him a look like "trust me, you want this to be a surprise". I groaned. But the beat… so tempting… oh what the heck! They are after all helping me get my own cooking show…

"I'M A BARBIE GIRL! IN A BARBIE WORLD! MADE OF PLASTIC! IT'S FANTASTIC! YOU CAN BRUSH MY HAIR! UNDRESS ME ANYWHERE!" I batted my eyes at Jasper, who looked on very amused. "IMAGINATION THAT IS YOUR CREATION!" Sadly enough, the drive was very short, considering my driving, so that's all I was allowed to sing. Getting out of the car, Alice and Jasper seemed to be out of breath, well, you know what I mean, from laughing so hard.

"Ahh Emmett, you really know how to entertain people." Jasper said.

"Ha! I can't wait until he gets his own t.v. show!" Alice exclaimed. "It's going to be great!" As we walked in the mall, I could already feel stares on Jasper, Alice, and I. Ha who could help them, I mean I must say, I am quite handsome.

"Bong!!" OUCH! What the hell was that? Oh haha… while I was thinking I guess I walked into a pole… Hehe… **a/n yes that has happened to me before. ehehe…** I turned and saw Alice on the floor laughing so hard and Jasper leaning against the pole. I gave them a big grin. I mean after all, you have to laugh at yourself once in a while, right?

After Alice and Jasper's laughing fit was done, we continued walking to the costume store.

I was actually very proud of Alice. She only stopped once to look at how "omg this is so cute" something was. Well, she is on a mission. When we reached the costume store, I saw this awesome "vampire" set with a cape, fangs, and a whole black tux. Alice and Jasper laughed at it, so I reluctantly put it back on the shelf. We approached a man with a purple mohawk, and multiple piercings on his lips, tongue, eyebrows, and ears. I think I stood there for two minutes staring and examining him. But don't judge me because he was staring at me too! After the first minute Alice rolled her eyes and pulled Jasper away from us, and went to find some costumes. Finally, I broke the silence.

"Did that hurt?"

"Wha- oh I don't know. I guess… yeah sure…" He answered like he was in a whole different world.

"So where can I find some ninja costumes?" I asked. He stared at me like "what the hell would this dude need ninja costumes for?".

"Uhh right this way." He led me to an isle where Alice and Jasper were already there.

"Hey Emmett I found all our sizes, lets go!" Alice said throwing me a suit. We walked to the cash register where Mr.Mohawk went to ring us up.

"So…." I said trying to be friendly. "What's your name?"

"Chives." He answered.

I snickered. Chives? Isn't that a human food? What ever. I paid him and we left the mall in a hurry to get home and put on our costumes.

At home it was just me, Alice, and Jasper. Carlisle went on a date with Esme, Rose went to a spa, and hmm wonder where Edward is? Bella's? Nah. I mean he only spends every minute he can with her! Anyway, I went in my room and put on the ninja suit.

"ALICE! LOOK! IT'S AWESOME!" I pulled the face mask down so you could only see my topaz eyes.

"Ha Emmett you look great! Jazzy come on out!"

"Alice… I don't wanna." Jasper whined from inside his room.

"Oh come on silly just come out." I watched as Jasper's door slowly opened and he slowly stepped out of the room. I burst out laughing. Jasper was wearing the vampire costume I saw in the store!

"Alice! Haha! Why is he wearing that?" I asked laughing.

"Well, they kind of ran out of ninja suits and that's what was left…"

I snickered. "You look good JAZZY!" I said.

"Shut up." Jasper said.

"Boys stop! Look it's almost 8 and that's when Cooking With Emmett airs! Lets go!!"

**Ha I love Chives… ok I'm sorry. I know I didn't get to the t.v. station yet, but I promise in the next chapter they will! I can't wait to write the next chapter!! Review please!!**


	4. The First Airing!

So… I'm not Stephenie Meyer

**So… I'm not Stephenie Meyer. I don't own Twilight either. I do own Chives and his multiple piercings. Yay! Go Chives! **

Previously on Cooking With Emmett:

"_Boys stop! Look it's almost 8 and that's when Cooking With Emmett airs! Lets go!!" _

"Shh! Come on! It's fine, go!" I heard Alice whisper. It was totally dark outside and with our ninja (and vampire) costumes we were invisible. We ran to the t.v. station, because we didn't want to leave a car in the parking lot. The whole time I snickered because Jasper looked EXACTLY like the vampires from the horror movies, with his cape blowing behind him, and the death glares he was shooting at me.

Alice, Jasper, and I climbed on the roof, (we just had to run really fast and jump, vampires remember?) When we got on the roof, Alice walked to the center, where, there was a giant window. She, using her strength, opened it and we all jumped in. Alice landed daintily on a desk and hopped down, Jasper on a chair and jumped down, and I, jumped on the desk, but I guess I was too heavy and the desk sort of crashed onto Jasper. Hehe. Poor Jasper. He was really shooting me death glares. I smiled back sheepishly.

"Sorry Jazzy."

He gritted his teeth and answered, "Don't. Call. Me. Jazzy." I grunted.

"Fine Mr. I Can't Take A Little Fall Cuz I'm A Big Vampire Baby!!" Alice just rolled her eyes and in less then 5 seconds the desk was fixed. "

Come on guys! We only have 15 minutes until 8 o'clock!" She went into a room where we found a whole bunch of equipment. "Ok, I already checked and I snuck into this place last night and built you a kitchen Emmett!" I smiled, and was going to ask her where she hid it, but I figured I was better off not knowing.

"Thanks Alice! You rock!"

"And I brought the CD you gave me yesterday for the soundtrack to use."

"All right cool, I'll go set up." I went to the kitchen area with Jasper following behind me. In one swift motion I ripped off my ninja suit and threw it behind me, where it landed on Jasper. Hehe. Then I put on my apron that said "Kiss the Cook" with a pair of bloody lips on it. I guess Alice made that specially. Then I put on my really high chef's hat, and went to familiarize myself with the kitchen. It was filled with all different kinds of disgusting food that should be awesome to play with, I mean cook with.

"Ok Emmett we're on live in 10, 9, 8, 7…" I heard Alice call.

"I hacked into all the channels Alice." Jasper said.

"You rock Jasper! 5, 4, 3…" I smiled brightly and Alice swiveled the camera so it was pointing to me, which was my sign that the beginning intro began. I watched it on the screen behind Alice. It was different pictures of me that I took with Alice yesterday and really cool graphics. The song "I Touch Myself" by the Divinyls was the music. I snickered when I saw Jaspers surprised face. Hey, it was the first song on my soundtrack! Then it ended and I saw myself on the screen.  
"Hello World, and welcome to the newest show Cooking With Emmett! Here's your host Emmett! Which happens to be me!" I said getting confused. I was just winging it. Ha that makes it much more fun!

"Today we will be making… food!" I said not knowing a human food. I looked at Alice worried. She quickly scribbled something on a piece of paper.

"I mean Pizza!" I corrected thankful for Alice's quick thinking. I do know what pizza is, they serve it at school!

"Well, pizza, is uhh… round, and made of…" I trailed off, not knowing what it was made out of. For all I know it could be made out of dog crap. Alice rolled her eyes and scribbled more words down. While she was writing, I didn't know what to do, so I took round orange ball things that were in the center of the table, and started juggling them. I guess Alice was trying to get my attention, but I was to into my juggling, so she clapped her hands really loudly, which made me scared, which made me throw the ball thingies, which landed, hehe , on Jasper. Alice quickly swiveled the camera so it showed Jasper getting the orange ball's all over him and crushed on his head. Then I read what Alice wrote,  
"Stay tuned, for more of Cooking With Emmett right after these commercial messages!" When she signaled it was safe to move, I started cracking up.

"J-j-j-jasper! Hahaha! Are you hahaha ok?" I asked laughing.

"I'm fine Emmett." He answered sourly wiping away the orange mess.

"Ok Emmett, after the commercial, I want you to read EXACTLY as I write." Alice said seriously.

"Ok Alice." I said feeling a bit down cast since I couldn't just wing it. She seemed to sense my disappointment, so she said

"But don't worry, it will be amusing."

I smiled knowing I could trust her.

"Ok were on in 5, 4, 3, 2,…"

I smiled looking at the camera and read what Alice wrote.

"Hi everyone, and welcome back to Cooking With Emmett! We were just talking about making pizza before the break. Now pizza is made of dough, tomato sauce, cheese," I snickered. Cheese… funny word… "and umm… what ever you would like to put on it. But, before we make it we have a special guest starring!" I felt confusion cross my face, but I continued to read. "So everyone please welcome, the one and only…."

**Ohh! Wonder who it will be?! Sorry if this chapter wasn't that funny. I'm really tired and want to go to sleep. I tried my best. Promise next chapter will be better!! Review!! Please!!**


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